Thursday, November 8, 2007

We do not rely on reality in this house

Clay Buchholz and Jon Lester are being put on Jonathan Papelbon's shoulder-strengthening program and likely will visit with Josh Beckett to see how he performs his routine. The Sox will have a minicamp after Thanksgiving to go over the strength program . . .
- The Boston Globe, 11/08/2007

When the Writers Guild of America went on strike, it initiated a sequence of events that will have a domino effect on America's viewing audiences . . . A long strike could alter the landscape of network television by dictating an even greater reliance on reality and game shows.
- The Baltimore Sun, 11/08/2007

Our motto here at the Herradura is: 'Hunt and Live Safely - Teach the Children'.
- Official website of Josh Beckett's ranch.

This is the most perfect, most stormiest perfect storm. Ever.

In fact, The Real World: Herradura Ranch will clearly be the finest program of fall sweeps. Particularly the very! special! Thanksgiving episode where Beckett and Buchholz help Papelbon learn the poignant life lesson that there is a difference between "moose" and "male deer." You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll even grow a little. You'll wonder who the hell invited Kevin Millar.

Other exciting programming options (call us, Les Moonves! We're not union!):

Extreme Home Wakeover:
Tim Wakefield shows up at the homes of folks in need, helps them rebuild, and teaches them the Zen of the knuckleball. Children cheer, parents weep, Jordan's Furniture gets a whole lotta product placement. Each week's episode features a bonus Doug Mirabelli segment: "Chicken Parm for the Soul."

America's Next Top Set-Up Man:
Papelbon: "There are five excellent pitchers standing before me, but I only hold four baseball cards in my hands. The pitcher whose name I don't call will have to return to the clubhouse, clean out his locker, and go immediately to the National League or Japan or somewhere. Of course you know about our prizes: a one-year contract with the Boston Red Sox, your own music video on NESN, and one free ride on Manny's pet unicorn. Now I'm going to introduce our judges: Dennis Eckersley, one of the world's first closers; John Farrell, noted pitching coach; and catching diva extraordinaire, Captain Jason Varitek."
Varitek: "...What the hell did you just say?"
Papelbon: "Okay. The first name I'm going to call is..."

The Amazing Race, Literally:
It's just Dustin Pedroia and Kevin Youkilis running across New England on foot and yelling trash talk at each other. That's it. You know you would watch!


Anne said...

This post is sheer brilliance. We need ANTSUM now! Now, NESN!

Katiee said...

my friend and i actually planned out what would happen for a day on Becketts ranch and it involved Buchholz and Lester reporting to ST completely vegan and hating Texas and the title "Pitching and shit with Beckett and the Boys"

and of course any show with Pap would be hilarious and amazing

Psyched2Knit said...

AWESOME! I can't wait to see "Chicken Parm for the Soul" - tag line; "You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll gain 10 pounds!"

Liza said...

I absolutely love these ideas... but of course we need a Pap&Papi show! Oh, I do hope someone could go to the Beckett ranch and tape Buchholz and Lester. Really. It would be sincerely awesome.