Hit the panic button on your remote control

We're almost two whole weeks into the season, so it's definitely time to overreact. We'll finally be heading to Fenway tonight*, but until then, we've only experienced baseball through the magic of TV. No big--we finally joined 2008 and got ourselves some HD--that's how most of us end up watching most of the season. As such, there's been quite a bit of talk lately about televised baseball: the calling of, the filming of, the watching of. We don't consider ourselves experts, per se, but we're pretty dedicated amateurs. Of course we have some advice to impart on the fine folks at NESN.**

No, none of this is new, or groundbreaking, or even particularly unique. But it does come from the heart. Which is, as everyone knows, where pitching comes from.

1. It's too early in the season to be this punchy.

2. Let the Eck take a shift or two. We love Remy with the pureness of only the most Stockholm Syndromed of NESN-viewing fans, but the Eck not only brought us such genius as "the moss" and "hairy cheese," but also just a bit more inside-baseball talk than we get from the regular team. Nothing against the classic combo of the Dawg and the Don-O, but sometimes they're so comfortable bantering, they forget that there's a ballgame happening.

3. Do not--we repeat: DO NOT--film routine fly-outs as if they are (in descending order): game-winning home runs, game-tying home runs, doubles off the Monster, triples in the corner, bloopers, singles, or anything but the absolutely routine out they actually are. We get that sometimes an outfielder--damn you, Ankiel!--is going to make a spectacular play, but more often, a can of corn is just that.

4. Show us the outfielders on each play. One of the things we miss when we're at home instead of the park--besides seven-dollar diet Cokes--is being able to see B.J. Upton yawning with his glove hand held up, just waiting there for the "deep, far, caught" ball that Dustin Pedroia just hit.

5. We get it: you have overhead cameras! And a cartoon blimp! The main upside to watching road games these days is the lack of, "ooh, let's shoot this from overhead!" "okay, now this!" "ooh, and this!" going on. Night baseball at Fenway is really pretty from the air...the first five times. In one night.

6. No, really, Jerry, last week was way too early in the season to start pontificating about Don's wardrobe malfunctions instead of actually following the game. Way. Too. Early. In fact, we'd submit that, right up until the last game of the season, it is always too early.

7. Last but not least, maybe not so much with the weirdly sexist commercials. Have you guys seen the one where the cabbie ditches his fare for Heidi Watney, or the one where the (awesome cause) Run to Home Base is promoted by a posse of girls stretching in Baywatch-style slow motion? Seen them about a hundred times each? We're not being greedy, not asking for Eri Yoshida to get a bullpen spot*** or anything. It would just be nice if you maybe remembered that your baseball audience isn't all bros who wear their failhats backward. You have female viewers! Some of them even care enough to write thousand-word blog posts about their local sports network!

Weird, right?

Oh, NESN. You know we only bug you because we love you. Tell Charlie Moore we said hello.


*The weather forecast is promising temperatures in the balmy upper 30s! Who's got spring fever?

**We have advice for the fine folks at ESPN and FOX, too, mostly about firing Joe Morgan and cutting down on the excessive hype around Crosby and Ovech--oh, wait, that's NBC/Versus, never mind. But, since we've only really watched NESN (and other local channels, thanks to Extra Innings: did everyone else already know that sometimes SNY takes calls live on air? Can you imagine what would happen if NESN tried that? George Carlin would blush.) so far this year, we'll hold off on dissing the national networks until we suffer from one of our weekly bouts of writers' block later in the season.

***She may not be ready for a bullpen spot; so how about a buddy cop show with Eri and Wakefield? Knuckleballers united for truth and justice!

How many fans got smacked with tape measures tonight?

"That's why Manny used to go in the Monster all the time, he was looking for Bobby Orr."
- Tom Caron

Jason Bay's in Canadian heaven and all's right with the world, since the Red Sox have clinched an absolutely mandatory series victory against the Marlins. That'll teach them not to give us back Hanley Ramirez for a song and a lobster roll.

Brad Penny didn't exactly take it to a new level against his former team, tonight, but since a line drive TRIED TO EAT HIM, we'll cut him some slack. A serviceable five innings and some solid bullpen work* adds up to a deserved 100th win. Frankly, every time The Eck mentioned that he was coming up on a possible milestone, we cringed at the jinx potential. After all, we've been inside History's Waiting Room too many times--remember tapping your toes and checking your watch as Manny Ramirez stalled out at 499 home runs?

What's that? You don't remember this Manny fellow?

Right, Hanley. Hanley Ramirez is who we're talking about.

Return him to our custody, Fish People, and nobody gets hurt.


*Notwithstanding Papelbon's new allergy to the one-two-three inning. What's that about? Is there a nasal spray for that?

MLB Network is ruining our lives.

Late last night or early this morning, in the middle of the ninth inning of a Padres-Brewers game*, the broadcast team started picking out shots of sleepy children clutching blankets in the crowd. The announcers cooed a little over the kids and their "woobies"--something they might snuggle to their chest and never put down for the first four years of their lives.

Then they said, unironically, that closer Heath Bell is the Padres' woobie.

This might be the best use of early childhood nonsense terminology since Bill Belichick's hoodie. Good call, Padres announcers.** However, since the inning was rife with defensive errors and Bell barely escaped blowing the save, we do have one caveat:

Dear Remy and Orsillo,

Raise the bar. Bring the cute. Tell us how John Smoltz is playing the proud parent in a pitching staff re-enactment of Make Way For Ducklings, with Clay Buchholz and Justin Masterson trailing merrily after him.

Just don't tell Jonathan Papelbon he's anyone's woobie. It's too dangerous.


*Yes, we do stay up late watching meaningless spring training jousts between teams that we don't even care about. Thank god there's less than a week to go before the real season starts and we can get our baseball fix in more sane and sanitary ways.

**At least, we think they were the Friars' guys. We could be wrong. It was late, and they kept talking about Tony Gwynn and Tony Gwynn, Jr. until it all sounded like "Malkovich Malkovich."

We do not E6 (three times!) in this house

4/6/08: Red Sox 4, Blue Jays 7

Notes on a Scandal:

1. Julio Lugo: now, we don't know stats, but doesn't it seem like his VORP is currently at, like, negative 500? Can we call up Jed Lowrie? Or, um, let Alex Cora play shortstop! Or, heck, let's call up Argenis Diaz from High-A Lancaster!

2. Toronto: our true AL East rivals. This series just confirmed something we've been suspecting for some time now.

3. Josh Beckett: we were worried when he came out throwing 98 in the first, not because we don't want him throwing hard but because we were concerned that he'd tire quickly. Which certainly seemed to be the case, control-wise, especially in the fifth. That said, he did better than his line will suggest, and we're nothing but thrilled to have him back in the rotation.

4. The 3, 4, and 5-hole hitters: need to step it up a notch, start hitting, get hot- whatever you want to call it, they need to do it.* And soon. Maybe finally coming home to Fenway will do the trick. We can only hope.

5. The bullpen: why bring in Manny in the Del just in time to face Frank Thomas with the bases loaded? (Okay, so that's more of a bullpen management question, but still. It seems like Beckett should've been pulled earlier or else allowed to face Thomas himself; bringing in MDC was rather a self-fulfilling prophesy of doom.)

6. The Big Snyde: we at Respect the Tek apologize for any and all jinxes, hexes, and/or curses we may have brought upon you when we mentioned that you looked good in the one spring training start of yours we saw. We wish you the best of luck in all your future endeavors (unless you pitch against the Red Sox, in which case we wish you nothing of the sort).

7. "They were outplayed in almost every face of the game" -Jerry Remy: which leads to the question as to which facet of the game they were not outplayed in. We humbly submit that the Red Sox outplayed the Blue Jays in kickassedness of catchers and Papelbonness of Papelbons.

8. Tito: look, someone needs to get him his pullover back, stat, because obviously the loss of it is affecting his managerial skills. Not only was there was the whole bullpen issue mentioned above, but he kept Lugo in with 2 outs in the ninth and the tying run at the plate. Lugo! Who was 0-whatever in the game! When there were actually people on the bench! Does not compute.

9. The so-called bottom of the AL East: no, really, someone needs to get those memos out and fast, as Toronto's starting to get ideas. And the Orioles beat the Mariners. (The Bay Rays, alas, lost to the Yankees, so maybe the memo's on it's way?)

10. GBMU:** 1-4 with a walk and 2 rbi.


*Though Papi did have an RBI today. Which is more than we can say for Manny "GIDP" Ramirez (who at least played some defense, making that catch at the wall and giving us a false sense of optimism about the game for about 3.7 seconds).

**Gratuitous Brandon Moss Update.

We do not blame it on the rain in this house

Sorry we've been such terrible bloggers. As you can see, we've been out to lunch.*

08/24/07: White Sox 3, Red Sox 11; White Sox 1, Red Sox 10

Thanks to the rains on the plains, neither of us was able to watch the rain-delayed opening bout of the Hosiery Hostilities, only monitoring the scoreboards through the entirely unsurreptitious workplace use of CBS Sportsline's live scoreboard. This means that we didn't get to watch Jason Varitek's homer until the replay much later. Now, granted, we've watched it a half-dozen times apiece, with the added bonus that MLB's clip has the call by the entirely downtrodden White Sox announcers.** And it is spectacular. As were Papi's and Youk's blasts later on in the night, especially Youk, who may or may not actually have hit that ball with his spectacular slump-busting chin.***

Still, we feel deprived. Actually, we were kind of wondering whether Tek would catch Game 2 instead of Game 1, given that Kevin "Rules Everything Around Me" Cash was already slated for today's Wakefield start. We're sure the idea crossed the pitchers' minds, too...

BECKETT: Tek, you're catchin' my start, right?
SCHILLING: The hell he is.
BECKETT: The hell he ain't. I called dibs.
VARITEK: J.B., it's up to Tito. Also, you can't call dibs on me.
BECKETT: Don't worry, Tek, it's just a saying.
SCHILLING: He pointed at you across the field during spring training and said, "Mine."
BECKETT: So you admit I have dibs!
VARITEK: There are no dibs!
BECKETT: Listen, you and me, we've got a game plan. Curt can come up with his own game plan. He's smart like that. I'm dumb as a fuckin' rock. Everyone knows that.
SCHILLING: ...He makes a point.
VARITEK: It's up. to. Tito.
BECKETT: Hey, Tito! [points to Varitek] Mine!

And then they all lived happily ever after. Or at least for twelve hours that Ozzie Guillen will never get back.

Finally, since Mike Lowell mentioned the use of Google in the latest Friendly's Scoop w/Jonathan Papelbon, we feel compelled to leave him a note in case he does Google himself and somehow end up perusing our illustrious site.

Dear Mike Lowell,

You're definitely muy sexy, as you correctly pointed out to Cinco Ocho, and you don't need the Just-For-Men. And if you ever get tired of playing baseball, well, we think the sports world definitely needs the equivalent of the Daily Show--we respectfully submit that SportsSnarker Featuring Mike Lowell would be a high point in broadcast TV history, particularly if you retain one Cinco Ocho as a correspondent. Make it so, number 25!

Peace, love, and empathy,
The girls of Respect The Tek


*Yes, we each signed up for Red Sox Kid Nation under the flimsiest of false pretenses. Yes, we did it for Lunch: J. Papelbon (2). Though we might also use the ice cream coupons. Is that evil?

**As much as Don and Jerry can sometimes annoy, with their mascot fixation and their relentless plugging of Red Sox Nation (TM) paraphernalia, at least they muster up some nonpartisan baseball enthusiasm for great plays, regardless of who makes them. They're not ridiculous homers; they applaud the game as it happens, and nothing Jerry Remy has ever said, not even about "exploding chest hair" is as irksome as every third word out of Tim McCarver. Did we mention we're watching today's game on Fox, and they're using Coldplay as incidental music? Coldplay? In 2007?

***To be perfectly honest, we were happy about the wins, but positively giddy that both Varitek and Youkilis whipped out the offensive production. Victory is sweet, but when you see how hard they've been pushing themselves, and punishing themselves, and it finally pays off, seeing them smile is sweeter. Goatees and all.

We do not go to sleep to dream in this house

Great game tonight, but it's too late at night for a substantive post. We simply wish to note that ESPN just showed Barry Bonds hitting a pop fly, and the SportsCenter talking head said:

"That would have been a home run if they were playing in a silo."

We don't have the keen insight of the Fire Joe Morgan fellows, so we will simply post that without comment. And stare at it.

Like a zen koan.

Om, shantih, shantih, om...

...Zzzz.

We do not bury Bonds in this house

Dear FOX Sports,

We get it: Barry Bonds is going to break Hank Aaron's record. And soon. We're not thrilled with it, but we accept it. We're coping. However, this does not mean that you get to cut into a game we are watching, the game you are actually airing, every. single. time. Barry Bonds has an at-bat. For one thing, he's still two runs from tying the record, and three from beating it. So even if he does hit it out of the park right now, it's not a historical event. It's a home run, no more and no less than a home run hit by Manny Ramirez or David Wright or Bronson Arroyo.

Therefore, please do not do that again. After Bonds has hit two more roundtrippers, and only after he has gone yard two more times, can you start cutting into the currently airing game every time Bonds has an at-bat. We still won't like it, mind, especially if you're cutting into a Red Sox game, but at least it'll make some sort of sense, in the grander historical context.*

No Love,
The Girls of Respect the Tek


*At least, it will seem important for a decade so until we're talking about whether A-Rod, a known slapper, is worthy of breaking the Great Pumpkinhead's record, and whether he should wear an Angels cap in the Hall of Fame now that California is sinking into the sea. And, of course, will the Sox' first round draft pick be Manny Ramirez, Jr. or Manny Ramirez Jr., Jr.?