Saturday, September 22, 2007

We do not hunt for Red October in this house

9/22/07: Red Sox 8, Devil Rays 6

SCENE:
The TROP. Visitor's clubhouse. Doors closed to the media.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE:
The goddamned playoff-bound BOSTON RED SOX (!)
George, a MOUSE

[Enter the team.]

LOWELL: Hey, put a chain on the door--otherwise Tina Cervasio might chew her way in.

HINSKE: That's a bad thing?

LOWELL: You need to get out more.

VARITEK: Does everyone have some champagne? Good. Guys, at this time I think it'd be appropriate to make a little toast--

RAMIREZ: To being Manny! [Raises glass, pulls oblique muscle.] Ow. Not to being Manny.

TIMLIN: To our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ!

YOUKILIS: Seriously? I'm sitting right next to you.

TIMLIN: [Passes Youkilis a Chick tract and a cigar.]

PAPELBON: Um, I wanna make a toast to the Cap'n, 'cause he hit a roundtripper, and more importantly, he kicks ass, which you can tell 'cause he's my catcher and I kick so much ass. [Fist-pump.] Oh, and I hope the Yankees get attacked by robot dogs.

VARITEK: Paps, that's enough.

PAPELBON: Or robot mooses.

VARITEK: Paps!

PAPELBON: 'Kay, I'm done. [Downs champagne.]

VARITEK: Well, that was all very entertainin', but I have a couple things to say. [Raises glass.] First off, good game tonight. We played good baseball. That's important. That's what we have to keep doing for the rest of the season. And, you know, into October.

[Everyone cheers.]

VARITEK: It's real nice to be in this position, but don't forget that this is just the beginning. We worked hard all year and we want the division. We want home-field advantage. We, uh--well, we want bragging rights.

[Everyone cheers louder. Pedroia jumps up and swings around on the ceiling fan.]

VARITEK: Guys, seriously. Let's not get carried away. And Schill, let Beckett up outta the ice bucket already. He's turning blue.

[Beckett emerges from the ice bucket with a stream of obscenities which not even this blog can reveal.]

VARITEK: We deserve to celebrate. We've come a long way. But we still need to keep our eyes on a higher goal--

[Pedroia flies off the ceiling fan and roundhouse kicks Varitek in the chest protector. Since he weighs about 130 pounds, he bounces off and lands on his ass at Varitek's feet.]

PEDROIA: Soccer sucks!*

EVERYONE: Yeah!

[Drinking commences.]

VARITEK: [sits down in the corner with a sigh.] Well, I hope they can at least behave in front of people.

MOUSE: Squeak.**

VARITEK: Yeah. [He grins.] Why start now?

[Curtain.]


*We at Respect the Tek do not share this opinion. We respect soccer, too. Maybe we should make a blog called Respect the Wambach.

**Translation: "Whatever. I was told this party would have cheese."

7 comments:

Kate said...

PAPELBON: Oh, and I hope the Yankees get attacked by robot dogs.

VARITEK: Paps, that's enough.

PAPELBON: Or robot mooses.

Oh good lord this excahnge made me laugh out loud. Maybe because is WISH the damn Yankees would be attacked by robot dogs. Or even just robots. Can we get Michael Bay to unleash the Decepticons on them?

lucky number 33 said...

Now, now, it's bad karma to wish harm on others, even if said harm is provided by really awesome robots with laser-beam eyes. Let's just keep on winning, it'll be even sweeter. ;)

- Caroline

moonstarma said...

Totally awesome! Whatever you guys are doing to come up with these, keep it going. Totally made me laugh. I particularly like the part about Beckett emerging from the ice bucket spewing a string of obscenities.
Marching towards the division, baby!

Texas Gal said...

Robot mooses are not to be trifled with.

Cassie said...

[Pedroia flies off the ceiling fan and roundhouse kicks Varitek in the chest protector. Since he weighs about 130 pounds, he bounces off and lands on his ass at Varitek's feet.]


TOO FUNNY! I can totally picture this...

Kristen said...

This team needs an adult.

Mad About Last Night! said...

We do not respect the Tek when he can't get a hit with one out and the bases loaded in the 9th to cut the magic number to 1. We do not respect him at all!

What does Captain Strikeout have? one more long year on the contract?

Good! That will be the end of that!