Wednesday, February 27, 2008

We do not sell rhymes by the gram in this house

SCENE:
A posh steakhouse in Ft. Myers, Florida. A table.

DRAMATIS PERSONAE:
Jason VARITEK
DOUGIE FRESH Mirabelli
CHORUS of Baby Catchers*

VARITEK: We few, we happy few, we band of catchers--

DOUGIE FRESH: All right, stop! Collaborate and listen,
Dougie's back with my home run hittin'.
Wakefield throws a pitch that goes knuckle-y,
Killin' hitters dead like William F. Buckley.**
Will it be a strike? Yo, I should know
Into my glove it'll go.
To the extreme, I hit grand slams like Slim J.D.
Making pitchers cry all "Dude Looks Like a Lady."
Love it or leave it, I had to lose weight,
But you better be watching when I block home plate.
If you want a lobster, yo, they'll boil it
Tek's gonna pay, I'm'a go hit the toilet.

CHORUS: Deep deep Dougie.

VARITEK: Mirabelli--

[DOUGIE FRESH exits.]

CHORUS: Deep deep Dougie.

VARITEK: I need another drink.


*Because we're not sure who all were there, exactly. Or how to spell their names. Sorry, we're still hung over from Doug Mirabelli Appreciation Night.

**RIP, we suppose.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Win.

doug_the_stud (on LJ)

Kristen said...

This is one of those times when I'm glad you're on my side.

Texas Gal said...

"Tek's gonna pay, I'm'a go hit the toilet."

I may have just peed my pants.

Anonymous said...

You leave Dougie out of this!! He's mine!

Tootles

Carson K.

Anonymous said...

just remember dougie's going deep tonight.gotta give the guy credit for a lousy hitting, knuckleball catching "we probaly never would have heard of catcher" that has two world series rings now thats a career...dougie we love ya

Twinkie said...

I'm just realising how close you are to being able to use DAMN as a shortened name for the night...