Friday, August 3, 2007

We do not think, therefore we are not in this house

Scene: A drawing room in Second Empire style. A massive bronze bust of Babe Ruth stands on the mantelpiece.

BONDS: [enters, accompanied by A-ROD] So here we are.

A-ROD: Yeah. Waiting for history.

BONDS: Pass me that copy of Highlights?

A-ROD: Sure. I got Redbook.

[They read.]

BONDS: [laughing] Oh, Gallant. You so crazy.

GLAVINE: [enters, slamming the door.] This is ridiculous--they keep cancelling my appointment!

BONDS: Oh, crap, a paparazzi. [A-ROD hides his magazine.] Look, how many times do I have to say this? There are way worse killers in the world than steroids! Like Voldemort!

GLAVINE: I'm not a paparazzi.

A-ROD: Don't listen to him, Barry! I've seen him around New York! He's here to ruin our family lives!

GLAVINE: I play for the Mets.

A-ROD: The what now?

GLAVINE: I've been in the game for years. I was a World Series MVP. I pitched to you both this season, for Chrissakes. I even gave up a home run to Barry.

BONDS: Nope, not ringing a bell.

A-ROD: Anyway, how did a pitcher get into history's waiting room? Mr. Torre always says that pitching doesn't count.

GLAVINE: Right. Well, I've been going for my 300th win for about a month.

[BONDS and A-ROD exchange smirks.]

BONDS: 300? That is a tiny number, man.

GLAVINE: Oh, yeah? So is one. Which is exactly how many home runs you have not hit in your last thirty-something at-bats. [A-ROD snickers.] What are you laughing at, Slappy? You're not getting it done either. I haven't seen you swinging this badly since...well, October.

A-ROD: [flinging himself down on a chaise longue] Why is it so haaaard?

BONDS: I've been wondering about that, actually. It's so weird, but that one last roundtripper can seem harder than hitting the hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds and hundreds--

[GLAVINE pretends to vomit into a potted ficus.]

BONDS: --and hundreds and hundreds that came before.

GLAVINE: I hate to agree with you, but it does feel that way. It's kind of ironic.

A-ROD: It's like meeting the man of your dreams, and then meeting his beautiful wife.

BONDS: Why is that one home run--

GLAVINE: Two for you, actually.

BONDS: --So hard to come by?

A-ROD: It's not fair! What have I done to deserve this? Nothing! That's what! All I've ever done is play by the rules! Unlike some people.

BONDS: Hey, what the hell, man?

A-ROD: No offense, Barry. I mean, I am glad that your giant head got everyone in the game to stop hating me, but we all know--

BONDS: Oh, and you never did anything wrong? Listen, when your closet's clean, then come clean mine.

A-ROD: I don't know what you're talking about!

BONDS: Sure. And I thought that stuff was flaxseed oil!

GLAVINE: [pretending to cough] Cheater.

A-ROD: [turns pale] I will have you know that Derek is a valuable teammate of mine and nothing more!

GLAVINE: ...Actually, that was for Barry.

BONDS: Hey, man, I ain't even know Derek all that well.

GLAVINE: No, I--forget it. You know, maybe it is karma, though. We've all done things that didn't exactly help the game of baseball. We've all put money ahead of the sport--

A-ROD: Don't be ridiculous, Mr. Met. Pitchers don't get paid.

GLAVINE: [blinks] Roger Clemens?

A-ROD: He's not a pitcher, he's a Yankee!

GLAVINE: My point is, we've all done things that tarnish our public image. Me, I once cost the game a whole season and thousands of fans, and also killed the Montreal Expos. Although, really, it was more like putting them to sleep. Now, we've been lucky enough to keep playing and persevere to the point that all three of us are just about to reach these amazing milestones. Maybe it's a struggle because karma is kicking our asses until we remember that baseball has given us more than we could ever give back.

[Silence as all three contemplate this.]

GLAVINE: And also, my bullpen sucks.

BONDS: And bitches aren't throwing me anything over the plate.

A-ROD: And I lost my binky.

GLAVINE: Nuts to this existential stuff. I'm gonna go beat the snot out of Guillermo Mota.


BONDS: You mean we can just walk out of here? Sweet, I have someplace to be.

A-ROD: Yeah, don't you have a game tonight?

BONDS: Nah, fool, Sanford & Son is on.

[BONDS exits, then returns to take his copy of Highlights For Kids! Magazine. Exit BONDS, for good this time.]

A-ROD: [looking around the empty room.] You know, I've learned something today. When we focus only on the milestone numbers, we forget so many wonderful things about baseball. Like the loving support of our teammates. And making tons and tons of money. And elbowing people in the crotch at second base. The paparazzi can't take that away from me, no matter how hard they try!

[Exit A-ROD, pursued by a bear.]


Beth said...

i was expecting a-rod to say "take care of yourselves, and each other" after his final thought there. great post.

lucky number 33 said...

Thanks! I'm sad we didn't quite figure out how to work Jose Canseco into it.