Wednesday, June 27, 2007

We do not know how to calculate VORP in this house

In our last post, we hinted that we'd be sharing our picks for the NL All-Star ballot. Well, we lied. Or, rather, our picks proved even more embarrassing than we'd previously thought, not to mention ungrounded in anything other than "ooh, Mets = pretty + totally annoying to George Steinbrenner." Just imagine either Jose Reyes or David Wright at every. single. position. With maybe a Chase Utley thrown in to redeem our credibility, or a Paul Lo Duca for comedic value and/or inappropriate thigh groping.*

Actually, no, there we go lying again. Obviously, we'd vote in Michael Barrett as catcher, based completely on his fighting prowess, and cast our hopes on a nice interleague donnybrook to break up the monotony of a game that means less than nothing. Wouldn't an All-Star bench-clearer be more exciting than actual play? We bet that someone entirely unlikely, perhaps Ichiro, would go berserker and fugue all over "innocently bystanding" Barry Bonds. Or Julio Franco would flip a circuit breaker and make Gary Sheffield eat his own shoe.

In other baseball news, we do not believe in Seattle.

Another lie. Of course we believe in Seattle: it's where the caramel macchiato comes from**, and it's on all the maps.

What we do not believe in is as follows: walking in runs, Kason Gabbard, or having a complete meltdown, Mike Timlin, or making us stay up late to watch the Captain try to rein in terrible pitches a yard away from the plate, entire Red Sox pitching staff***. We also don't believe in not scoring more runs than the other team, so, please, guys, for the love of peanuts and crackerjacks and pouring beer on the people in front of you in the bleachers, get on that.

Thank god that's the last 10 pm start we have for a while. Our bosses really haven't appreciated our new policy of falling asleep at our desks and unconsciously muttering Mark Buehrle's name into the keyboard.

*When you're a Met, you're a Met all the way,
From your first infield hit to your last double play!


**Possibly the "macchiato" part, at least, comes from Italy? Maybe Lo Duca or Mike Piazza could weigh in. Or fund a fact-finding mission. The sacrifices we're willing to make for accuracy in blogging, you have no idea.

***As usual, Josh Beckett exempted. Daisuke Bat-suzaka is about 50% exempted--we'll see what happens this afternoon.

4 comments:

Kristen said...

//"ooh, Mets = pretty + totally annoying to George Steinbrenner." Just imagine either Jose Reyes or David Wright at every. single. position. With maybe a Chase Utley thrown in to redeem our credibility, or a Paul Lo Duca for comedic value and/or inappropriate thigh groping.*//

Um, hi, are we the same person?

DAVID WRIGHT PLEASE YES THANK YOU.

Kristen said...

Also, everyone on that team is gay for David Wright. And I see absolutely no problems with that. I think it should be encouraged.

katie said...

I just got a memo from Mike Piazza and he actually wanted to let you know that he doesn't know much about "macchiatos" and such things, because he's not gay. Just in case that's what you were implying. He hasn't held a press conference in awhile or anything, but really, he's still not. So. You know. Piazza, still not gay.

lucky number 33 said...

Bwah! I keep imagining Mike Piazza's stationery. It smells like a whole lot of Polo.